you

at first there was a distance,
day by day,
one step closer...
closer and closer,
until i saw all of you,
i liked what i saw.

at first there was an awkwardness,
day by day,
a little more comfort...
less and less,
until we could laugh,
i liked how it felt.

at first there were secrets,
day by day,
we shared pieces of ourselves...
more and more,
until we could cry,
i liked being whole.

at first there was perfecion,
day by day,
growing stronger between us...
peaceful and calm,
we knew each other,
i liked being complete.

at first there was nothing,
day by day,
the nothing grew larger...
eating it's way inside,
we stopped learning,
we stopped exploring,
we stopped feeling,
until i was standing alone,
i did not like the emptiness.

i saw you in the distance.... walking away.

jingle less

the bells are jingling,
the santas are hoing,
the kids are laughing,
the world is buzzing...

but here in my heart,
there's a sadness,
the sadness of a child,
crying inside,
hoping for excitement,
wishing for the lights,
to shine so brightly,
to be happy

i know you're out there..

i see you...
so not perfect.
your hair,
unbrushed, ruffled by the wind.
your eyes,
just a normal brown, deep into your soul.
your nose,
a little to large for your face.
your smile,
so alive, with life.
your shoulders,
not huge, but big enough to support me.
your hands,
rough and hard, so gentle when you touch.
your chest,
no large pecs, just a heart that beats.
your stomach,
smooth and soft.
your legs,
ready to walk through all our trials...

so not perfect, but perfect for me.

why?

i'm so unsure,
all these questions.

why are we here?
how did we get here?
where is god?
how much can the human mind grasp?
when is a woman labeled a slut?

i don't know anymore, the closer i seem to get to finding the answers, the more intense the questions become. can we not find the answers in the simple things in life? the beauty of flowers, the joy of children's laughter, the happiness of lasagne in the oven.

does this confusion and simple way of thinking make me shallow or narrow minded?
to me the basis of life is love, anything can be achieved with love, anything can be overcome, with love. i protect those i love, i forgive those i love, i care for those i love, but most of all my ability to love myself has taught me to love others..

what now

and here i sit...

a blank compuer screen, screaming for the words of my soul. trying so desperatly to reach into my being and rip the words i fear to share. i stare it down, that white void of screen, i scream back NO! right now, i'm not sharing. the confusion of life is struggling inside...

tomorrow..

colour my love...

you ask, what's the colour of love?

a bunch of flowers,
green for the grass,
that our naked bodies lay on.
blue for the sky,
we looked up at as the sun rose.
yellow for the sun,
we watched all day as we lay there.
purple for the passion,
we shared that day.
orange for the setting sun,
as it all ended.
red for the pain,
when it was finally over..

what colour were you that day?

too young too old

here i stand,
your beating heart,
in my hand.

full of innocence,
so young,
so touchable.

i can destroy,
i can break you,
it's so easy.

just a hug,
your heart beats,
a little slower.

my hands so powerful,
hug you tighter,
hug you harder...

your heart will stop.

i cup your heart,
gently in both hands,
and hand it back to you.

i walk away,
your heart beating,
in your chest...

krap, krap, krap,
hier teen my bors.
die bene steek uit,
dis rou.
jy proebeer so hard,
om tussen die ribbes te kom.
maar hierdie hart,
sit in a tronk.
n tronk wat jy gemaak het,
gefonnis vir "life"
om nooit weer uit te kom nie.

hoekom krap jy weer?
so tussen die ribbes,
harde, skurwe fyltjie,
trek en stoot die vleis,
soos jy my nader trek,
en weer weg stoot.

HOU OP! ek kan nie meer,
dit bloei uit my oe,
ek kan nie sien.
dit bloei uit my neus,
ek kan nie asem haal nie.
my mond is droog,
ek wil niks se.
die bloed is taai,
ek voel niks...

dis verby.

who are you?
where do you come from?
who sent you?

i hid so well,
blended, best i could.
what have you done?

chip away,
bit by bit,
i've nothing left.

i can not run,
i can not hide,
will never try.

now i need you,
now that you know me,
i trust you.... x

i look at you,
you smile,
i smile,
i hate you,
you say you're sorry.
i love you...

then i cry...

i've heard it a million times... "blood is thicker than water.."

we've all got family or at least people that we relate to as family. ever been to one of those family things like your gran's 80th or your uncle's funeral... and the real crap thing is you know nobody, your own flesh asks the same irritating dumb ass questions... so how the kids doing at school? great, my son steals money for tuck and my daughter thinks she the sex symbol for pre primaries around the world. you still working at the same place? aah ya it's hairdressing, if you move you loose clients, so i'll still be there next time we chat (2008) you still live in the same house? like i can afford to move. oooh yes and my all time favourite.. so you haven't met anybody new? to which they always seem to think one of two things, either they know some one really nice or that i'm reaching the age that i should think about resettling and getting remarried... aaaargh! do i look unhappy on my own, coz it's probably the hang over you're seeing!!
so i'm sitting alone in the corner, i have to, there's nothing worse for me than sitting with 4 couples, all happy to spend their lives having dinner parties, braais and watching dvds, it's all these perfect lives that you see in the movies...
please tell me i'm not the only 33yr old out there who enjoys LOUD music... and happy faces around me as much as possible!

you're asleep,
your gentle breath warm on my face.
you're so close,
if i touch touch you,
would you feel?
would you leave the place of safety,
made in your dream?

you're stirring,
your moaning scares me.
you've moved away,
no longer facing me.
there's a distance.
i can't reach you.
my place of safety, now in my dreams.

you're gone,
no breathing, no stirring.
no warmth, no sound.
no safe place,
no more dreams.

like a child,
i stand in front of you.
i raise my hands,lift me up.
you bend down,only slightly.
i stand on my tippy toes,
hoping i'll reach.
instead of looking down,you look up.
the sky turning grey,
the drops start falling.
in fear,you run.
leaving me,
alone and wet...

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